i hate that moment when you realize you are learning a lesson.
i get that God has a plan for everything, i truly do. I just do not understand why i keep reliving the same scenario in ever single relationship i pursue. i am some so sort of magnet for emotionally unavailable and immature men. i feel ready to be committed to someone and i feel ready to settle down. and every time i come close to actually obtaining that kind of security it implodes. whats that about? i just want to be happy. and after everything that went down with josh and our relationship last year, alls i want is something stable and real. i feel like i deserve that much. and i know it has not quite even been a year since he and i were together but i just, i do not do well alone. i was single for a week after josh and than i dated continuously till april.. than i met someone i saw an actual future with. someone who embodied everything i know God wants for me and wants me to want for myself as well. and i wanted nothing more than to get to know him and be his friend. and as we got to know each other, we caught feelings. and with that got wrapped up in the newonce of it all and lost ourselves. not to the point of compromising ourselves or our standards. however we just did not talk about things so there was like this awkward limbo we were in. and then i had the bright idea to bring it up and that was the kiss of death.
he says that he is listening to God and seeking His will and i will by no means undermine anything that God says. i just feel in my heart that we had something and i feel through Gods hand we were brought together and i feel like he is scared so he is choosing a likely excuse as a way out of having to take a risk with his heart. but like i said i won't undermine Gods will, and i can only know what God is telling me. i do not know what God is telling him.
it just sucks feeling like its never gonna be my turn. i know i am only 23, but when your ready your ready.
but i am learning a lesson. a lesson of, just because i feel like i am ready for something in my life, does not necessarily mean God is ready for me to have it. He knows everything and my future is in His hands. I just suck at waiting and patience. especially with guys and relationships. i am just so ready. but then again maybe Gods trying tell me i am not.
sucks yo.
but also its a good thing. because it lets me know that my life is out of my control and i need to stop fighting God for that control. it belongs in His hands and life works out much better when it is in His hands and not my own.
His timing is perfect, mine is absolute shat.
peace and love to all and to all a good night *muah*
