It's been a hot minute since i have written anything. I have always used writing as an outlet so i think i need to get back to that.
5 years has passed... Where to start ha
Life without my dad is weird, so weird. It feels like the brightest light in my life disappeared. I still feel him with me and carry him in my heart but its not the same. I honestly need and want him here. It is crazy cause at 28 i never assumed i would need my dad (parents) so much, but i do.
Dad really brought my family together, even when we didn't want to be. He made sure we stayed close and tight knit and together. He provided so wonderfully for us and always made sure we knew how loved we were.
It's hard not having that anymore.
I remember thinking the week before he passed away that it all felt like a dream. It genuinely did not feel like i was going to lose him. Even looking at him in the hospital bed, i thought 'God is going to heal you'. I wholeheartedly believed that. But he didn't do that. He didn't heal my dad. He took him. Feeling his last breath leave his chest on the day he died is a memory that will sit heavy with me my whole life. I honestly prayed in that moment for God to take me too. I did not want to live in world where he didn't exist.
At that point i created as much distance between God and I that i could.
Some people may read what i am about to say and think 'She's such a bad christian' and that's fine. My relationship with God ebbs and flows, and its not perfect just as i am not perfect. I have never pretended to know it all.
After my dad died, i was SO upset at God. I wanted nothing to do with Him. And for a good chunk of time I didn't speak to Him or about Him. Does that make me a bad Christian? Nope. Does that make me human? Very much so. Until you lose someone that means as much to you as my dad meant to me i do not care to hear your opinion about my journey or my faith and relationship with God.
Grief changes you. And i let it wash over me like 1000 pounds of bricks. I tuned out the holy spirit and did anything and everything to make myself feel better.
Let me just point out quickly, the world sucks at filling voids. All it does it make voids bigger. I promise you that.
Quick side note - i am dumbfounded by the number of people that have tried to compare losing an animal to me losing my dad. I have never wanted to throat punch a person more than when i hear that. Your dog or cat or fish did not raise you and give you life. I get loss is loss but do not compare my dad with a pet. Sit down and shut up.
Anyways, the world. What a shitty place when you shut God out. Ugh. Nothing the world has to offer made me feel the loss of my dad any less.
It took me a good 3 years to learn that though.
Yes i am a christian. Yes i love God. Yes i have a relationship with God.
BUT
I am a human being. And i lost the most important man in my life. So anything and everything i said or did the past 5 years is WHY i am still standing here today - it was all part of bringing me through my own personal hell. And for that i am grateful.
There were times in the past couple years when i had the weakest and lowest moments of my life and God was still there (silent cause i shut Him out but he was there).
Am i proud of every decision i have made? No way. Am i proud of the person i have become as a result of those good and bad decisions? Absolutely.
I chased life and i lived it. And i regret nothing. I pursued happiness down good and bad avenues and i wound up EXACTLY where God wanted me.
I know not everyone believes in God or in His plan for their lives. I accept the fact that people believe differently than me. I don't judge anyone and i love everyone. I am like my dad that way.
I do pray though that God works in me and through me so that my story and life can help people see His light.
I feel the loss of my dad everyday, but i also feel his love.
I chose to be his living legacy and to take up his passion and love for people and use that to bring glory to God and expand His kingdom.
The last 5 years kicked my ass.
But it also woke my ass up :)
Be genuine. Be kind. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Respect people who are different and believe differently than you. Don't condemn, don't judge. That is God's job not yours. God made us all and He loves us all. He is love. So be love.The world needs it.
Tata for now,
Beyonce Pad Thai
Joshua 1:9
'YES! Be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.'
