2020 has been a real B word.

Hey guys,

I am sure you know by now that there is a global pandemic going on. And its mass chaos every where you turn. Everything's closed. You are not allowed to socialize. Its honestly scary as hell, end of the world doom and gloom. I get it, I am right there with you.

What I am trying SO HARD to do everything though is find ONE thing to be thankful for and to focus on to remain positive.

Today's thing is.....My job!

You guys my company is such an amazing blessing. Edmentum has saved me in more ways then i can name, and i am so beyond grateful to work for such an amazing company. I get to wake up, and help schools continue to make a difference and keep education alive even during a global shutdown.


I know so many people are out of work right now, and so 'your job' might not be something positive for you. And for that my heart breaks for you and i am praying you are taken care of and blessed during this time.

I hope you guys are finding bright lights during this dark time.

I hope you are praying.

I hope you are finding comfort in God.

I hope you are virtually leaning on loved ones.

I have been leaning heavily on God. Embarrassing to admit but more than I have in a long time. In times of trouble God really tends to break me down and remind me its through Him I am strong.

Wednesday was a doozie of a day for me. I spent almost 6 hours on the phone with nurses, then doing a video visit with a Dr, and then finally being in the ER.  It was so scary. Anyone who knows me knows i HATE HOSPITALS. And how things are set up now you cannot have anyone come in with you. Just solo dolo. So i sat in there being poked and prodded, and hooked up to stuff completely isolated. I am so grateful that i was discharged and did not have to be admitted. I am still having breathing issues and chest pains but THANK GOD i was able to get on a steroid to help with that and should see improvement soon.

GUYS stay inside, let's do our part to flatten the curve. I know its hard to isolate, trust me I am queen of the social butterflies BUT we have to. You will save lives by doing it, i promise you that.

Anyone who reads this, You are loved. I am praying for each and every one of you. Together we will all get through this. God's got us! 💓

Turning lemons into lemonade!

It's been a hot minute since i have written anything. I have always used writing as an outlet so i think i need to get back to that.

5 years has passed... Where to start ha

Life without my dad is weird, so weird. It feels like the brightest light in my life disappeared. I still feel him with me and carry him in my heart but its not the same. I honestly need and want him here. It is crazy cause at 28 i never assumed i would need my dad (parents) so much, but i do.

Dad really brought my family together, even when we didn't want to be. He made sure we stayed close and tight knit and together. He provided so wonderfully for us and always made sure we knew how loved we were.

It's hard not having that anymore.

I remember thinking the week before he passed away that it all felt like a dream. It genuinely did not feel like i was going to lose him. Even looking at him in the hospital bed, i thought 'God is going to heal you'. I wholeheartedly believed that. But he didn't do that. He didn't heal my dad. He took him. Feeling his last breath leave his chest on the day he died is a memory that will sit heavy with me my whole life. I honestly prayed in that moment for God to take me too. I did not want to live in world where he didn't exist.

At that point i created as much distance between God and I that i could.

Some people may read what i am about to say and think 'She's such a bad christian' and that's fine. My relationship with God ebbs and flows, and its not perfect just as i am not perfect. I have never pretended to know it all.

After my dad died, i was SO upset at God. I wanted nothing to do with Him. And for a good chunk of time I didn't speak to Him or about Him. Does that make me a bad Christian? Nope. Does that make me human? Very much so. Until you lose someone that means as much to you as my dad meant to me i do not care to hear your opinion about my journey or my faith and relationship with God.

Grief changes you. And i let it wash over me like 1000 pounds of bricks. I tuned out the holy spirit and did anything and everything to make myself feel better.

Let me just point out quickly, the world sucks at filling voids. All it does it make voids bigger. I promise you that.

Quick side note - i am dumbfounded by the number of people that have tried to compare losing an animal to me losing my dad. I have never wanted to throat punch a person more than when i hear that. Your dog or cat or fish did not raise you and give you life. I get loss is loss but do not compare my dad with a pet. Sit down and shut up.

Anyways, the world. What a shitty place when you shut God out. Ugh. Nothing the world has to offer made me feel the loss of my dad any less.

It took me a good 3 years to learn that though.

Yes i am a christian. Yes i love God. Yes i have a relationship with God.

BUT

I am a human being. And i lost the most important man in my life. So anything and everything i said or did the past 5 years is WHY i am still standing here today - it was all part of bringing me through my own personal hell. And for that i am grateful.

There were times in the past couple years when i had the weakest and lowest moments of my life and God was still there (silent cause i shut Him out but he was there).

Am i proud of every decision i have made? No way. Am i proud of the person i have become as a result of those good and bad decisions? Absolutely.

I chased life and i lived it. And i regret nothing. I pursued happiness down good and bad avenues and i wound up EXACTLY where God wanted me.

I know not everyone believes in God or in His plan for their lives. I accept the fact that people believe differently than me. I don't judge anyone and i love everyone. I am like my dad that way.

I do pray though that God works in me and through me so that my story  and life can help people see His light.

I feel the loss of my dad everyday, but i also feel his love.

I chose to be his living legacy and to take up his passion and love for people and use that to bring glory to God and expand His kingdom.

The last 5 years kicked my ass.

But it also woke my ass up :)

Be genuine. Be kind. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Respect people who are different and believe differently than you. Don't condemn, don't judge. That is God's job not yours. God made us all and He loves us all. He is love. So be love.The world needs it.

Tata for now,
Beyonce Pad Thai

Joshua 1:9
'YES! Be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.'

Life is anything but a fairy tale...

I am just empty.
A couple months ago life stopped making sense.
Days have started blurring together.
Weeks pass, months pass.. Any yet life is standing still for me.
I find myself constantly asking why.
As in.. Why my dad? Why my family? Why God?
I dunno what to feel except for anger.
Anger towards God.
And than anger with myself for being angry at God.
He is sovereign I know that, and He has a plan, I get that.
But I just cannot wrap my mind around it all.
I am human and I need this to all make sense in my silly human head.
Every morning I hafta remind myself to breathe, take it second by second.
Focus on my daddy and my family.
My family, who is the rock of my life, my foundation.
My daddy who showed me what life with God is all about, and baptized me and raised me in the word.

I need to focus on that, remembering all the good times and making more good times.
If I spend so much time being sad I will lose out on all this happiness.
My daddy deserves my support and my love and any sort of comfort I can give him.
I will be strong for him, I will find strength in God and faith that His plan is perfect.

God I am sorry for my weakness.
Sorry for my anger.
Sorry for my doubt.
Sorry for my fear.
Sorry for all my silly human thoughts.

I promise to start being better.
To be strong.
To be brave.
To love my daddy for as long as I can, and even more after you decide to take him home.
To make sure he knows how much he is loved and how much he shaped my life.
How he taught me how to be a child of God and showed me everything I want to be someday.
He gave me life, he taught me about life, and he made my life everything that it is.

Thank you God for giving me the best earthly father possible, sorry for any moment in my life that I did not appreciate him. Please give me many years with him to make up for that, and I am sorry for even asking that cause I know you have a plan but I need my daddy. I want him to walk me down the isle. I want him to hold my babies. I want a future with him. And that is selfish, and I know that, but its all I ask.

Please let me keep my daddy.

so, why don't we go somewhere only we know.

the dog days are over folks. life is, to say the least, right where it should be. the stars are aligning and for once there actually seems to be some stability. which is neat. i have been through a (excuse my french) rather shitty year. i made a lot of poor decisions that led me to the year i had, but still its been no picnic. however i am now much more resilient and i am more myself than i have ever been.

i love how God does that. he breaks us down to nothing and then reshapes us. i am truly clay in His hands and i am thoroughly enjoying who He is molding me into.

on a side note let me hollar at you for a sec. frozen is a phenomenal movie that everyone needs to see it. i wanna watch it everyday for the rest of my life.

work is going stellar. i love it most days, when my dragon lady boss isn't in one of her moods that is. and i got my car fixed so yay. still loving living on my own, its a crazy radical journey but for the most part its the tits.

lifes just super good. i have every one i could possibly need, and i finally have rid myself of all of the toxic people that were just holding me back. and the greatest part of my life is that i have a super awesome God who has my back a million percent. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!

Praying for you, Merry Christmas<3

I caught myself.

i hate that moment when you realize you are learning a lesson.

i get that God has a plan for everything, i truly do. I just do not understand why i keep reliving the same scenario in ever single relationship i pursue. i am some so sort of magnet for emotionally unavailable and immature men. i feel ready to be committed to someone and i feel ready to settle down. and every time i come close to actually obtaining that kind of security it implodes. whats that about? i just want to be happy. and after everything that went down with josh and our relationship last year, alls i want is something stable and real. i feel like i deserve that much. and i know it has not quite even been a year since he and i were together but i just, i do not do well alone. i was single for a week after josh and than i dated continuously till april.. than i met someone i saw an actual future with. someone who embodied everything i know God wants for me and wants me to want for myself as well. and i wanted nothing more than to get to know him and be his friend. and as we got to know each other, we caught feelings. and with that got wrapped up in the newonce of it all and lost ourselves. not to the point of compromising ourselves or our standards. however we just did not talk about things so there was like this awkward limbo we were in. and then i had the bright idea to bring it up and that was the kiss of death.

he says that he is listening to God and seeking His will and i will by no means undermine anything that God says. i just feel in my heart that we had something and i feel through Gods hand we were brought together and i feel like he is scared so he is choosing a likely excuse as a way out of having to take a risk with his heart. but like i said i won't undermine Gods will, and i can only know what God is telling me. i do not know what God is telling him.

it just sucks feeling like its never gonna be my turn. i know i am only 23, but when your ready your ready.

but i am learning a lesson. a lesson of, just because i feel like i am ready for something in my life, does not necessarily mean God is ready for me to have it. He knows everything and my future is in His hands. I just suck at waiting and patience. especially with guys and relationships. i am just so ready. but then again maybe Gods trying tell me i am not.

sucks yo.

but also its a good thing. because it lets me know that my life is out of my control and i need to stop fighting God for that control. it belongs in His hands and life works out much better when it is in His hands and not my own.

His timing is perfect, mine is absolute shat.

peace and love to all and to all a good night *muah*

when you know, you know.

I am thoroughly annoyed by people lately. Not all people really, mostly just fake people. People that walk around pretending to be people they aren't, and i hate feeling like the only one who sees said people for who they really truly are. Take for instance, people that call themselves christians and then do everything possible that goes against everything that being a christian stands for. I know i am not perfect and in no way shape or form claim to be, but i also know right and wrong and try my very best to remain set apart and keep my testimony. I fail a lot but i don't live in my mistakes and pretend that i am not making them. You make a mistake and then you move forward from it, thats the beauty of forgiveness. God does not care how big or small your sin is, its all the same in His eyes and He forgives all of it, no matter what. But i tell you, those hypocrites out there really make me wanna shake babies (which i would never do but it just goes to show my level of frustration) and i am starting to get so fed up i may just lose my cool.

I am in love with my job. Its cray how awesome it is to work with all guys. Well its good and bad lol one of my coworkers told me today that i have a black girls physique. Which is funny, cause i do not but my work pants are apparenty showing otherwise. Ha too funny, and slightly uncomfortable, but flattering none the less. I am getting the hang of things, its just so much info at once. But i am so much happier than i was serving.

Theres this boy and he kinda sorta well mostly has stolen my heart, i cannot even describe it. This is the first time in my life that i have felt this kind of happy. Its so genuine, its unnerving. But i am loving it. Every second i get to spend with him is sheer perfection. I count myself lucky, very lucky. I knew all the heartache and failed attempts at love that i have experienced in my life would one day be worth it, and i really feel like they all lead me to him. To this feeling. This amazing never want it to end feeling. Even if i were never to see him again (God forbid) I would be able to live on, just knowing that for a brief time he showed me what it was like to be cherished, to laugh for no reason, to be thought of, to be a priority. That is all i have ever wanted, and i have had a taste of what it is like and i never wanna settle for less than that again. But obviously imma see him again, hopefully someday for every day for the rest of my life. Ya that's right, i am so very ready for the settling down phase of my life. Obviously first i wanna finish school, but getting serious with this guy is definitely a distraction from that lol ugh i could talk about him for days, but alas i will not.

Its late, and my melatonin is kicking in. Sleepy time she comes<3

nighty night blueberries.

The only reason i stay inside all day is to avoid paparazzi.

as i sit here watching the new girl laughing my butt off, by myself mind you, i think about life. man oh man is life good. i have a great new job, awesome awesome people in my life, and just all around a beautiful life. i need to start being more thankful to God for all He has brought me through this year and all of the things that He gave me through all my trials. its been a hell of a year, but by His grace i am alive and happier than i have ever been.

i started my new job yesterday. its gonna be super neat, i can feel it. i went to red robin yesterday and realized that i am going to be so much happier at t mobile. i loved working at red robin, it was a great experience. it is just not my scene anymore, some people there are just not good to be around.

ughhhhhhhhh a certain someone i happen to like a bit is out of the country and i cannot talk to said someone for like 3 weeks and its driving me bonkers. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. okay done with my rant, but seriously i miss him, i think i am going through withdrawals. lmao

i need my own show. i have so many funny ramblings going on in my head, what a hoot it would be. and everyone would laugh and i would laugh and we all be friends and hold hands. i think i would be a good famous person, i definitely would not be a miley or t swift and sure as hell not an amanda. i would be more like a, actually i would not be like anyone in hollywood. they all suck.

this is short but i gotta head to work soon, and new girl is not gonna watch itself.

tootles.