Thursday, November 3, 2011
I'm fighting to get you out of my head but I'm holding onto every word that you ever said.
This is bad. I miss you. I am literally fighting with everything in me not to call you. Today must just be one of those days where I am absolutely weak and in need of a great big hug. I'm better off without you I know that, but that honestly doesn't make the memories fade or the heartache lesson at all. I am not stupid enough to think I am the only one in the world experiencing this all, but that doesn't make me feel any less alone. I know God has someone amazing out there for me. I just miss you. The memories are rushing in today and I wish more than anything to just be in your arms to silence the pain of them all. I wish I could stop caring and turn it off like you apparently have, but I can't. When I care deeply for someone, it's a lifelong kind of thing! I'll never be able to erase the past, and I don't want to. Because of it I'm stronger and smarter and ready for my beautiful future. You are outta my life for a reason, I am just struggling with finding that reason and having it make sence. Why do I still want you in my life!? All I ever feel is bad about myself and hurt by what you say and yet I still want you to be here. That's stupid. Even stupider is knowing it's stupid and not being able to change the way I feel. I can't turn off my feelings. All I can do is start leaning on God an let you live your life. I can't fix you but God can. And everyday I pray for you that you open your heart to God and let him move in you and turn your life around. Praying is all I am capable of doing anymore. I can't let you suck me dry, I have way to much going on in my life to give one person that much of me, especially someone who doesn't appreciate it. I care about you, probably always will. But today marks the day where this ridiculous hold you have on my heart is broken. I am a better person as a result of everything we've been through and I pray that one day you will be too. But for now you're in my prayers and that's all God is asking of me and that's all I'm willing to give you anymore. No more tears, no more thoughts, just prayers.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ WHO CARES, I’M AWESOME! ;D
So dear people that read my blog,
It has been entirely too long. My bad. I have literally had my priorities all outta whack. Much has happened since I last spoke at you in August. I have changed a lot. In a good way((: I am really letting God guide me now. This summer and really up till september I forced Him to take a back seat while I drove the car that is my life. Yeah that really did not work out so good for me. I lost a little bit of myself for a while cause I was trying to so hard to make a certain someone into the person I knew they could be. I have this habit where I see peoples potential and all the good they possess and then I try and help them see it. I like projects because helping people makes me happy. But it also really really hurts me. It sucks when you put a lot of work into someone and they just throw it in your face. Why?? Why would you throw away someone who is only trying to be a light in your life?? August and September were really bad months for me. I lost my best friend to treatment and my boyfriend cause he was an idiot. The two people I spent the most time with and helping this summer and just like that they were gone. My best friend and I are stronger than ever now though and I will never ever doubt our friendship. We have been through a lot together. I will literally always support her and love her and she knows that((: The 'certain someone' I dated however..God brought him back into my life in October, after a month and a half of not one word to each other. I didn't know what God had up His sleeve but I was trusting Him cause that is really the only option I had. Everyone was telling me not to let him back in my life, but I made a choice to give him a chance and see what he had to say. This was his third chance btw. One thing you should know about me is that I do not write people off, its not a three strikes and your out kind of thing with me. I will give people chances right and left, and yes that may seem silly to you but you know what.. I have come to realize that I would never want someone to give up on me or write me off so why would I do that to someone else?? Exactly. So anyways, I met with him and we chatted. It was a good talk. I said everything I had been waiting months to say and he finally was honest. It was good. Here is the deal though. Being friends with an ex is really sticky territory for me. I cared a lot about him and he says he cared a lot about me and to try and make a friendship outta that right now just isn't possible. So basically we are putting distance between us.. for good you ask? I dunno, I gave the whole thing to God. All's I know is that he currently has no idea how to treat me and hasn't the slightest idea what I deserve. I do know what I deserve though. I want to be cared for, not used. I want to be cherished, not an afterthought. I want to be a priority, not an option. I want someone who is going to keep me accountable in my walk with God and who will encourage me and challenge me to do better, to be better. I am sick of being the one who challenges people. I need encouragement too, I need to be challenged and have someone who is looking out for me. Needless to say, this miss will be remaining single until God brings someone into my life that makes me want to be not single.
Well that should catch you up(: I am really happy. Honestly, for the first time since May I am happy beyond belief. I have a great job, I love love love love it. I have an amazing family that mean the world to me. I have really amazing friends that I would be lost without. But most important, I have God. He literally got me through everything that went down the last couple months. I don't even wanna think about where I would be if it weren't for Him. He is my rock, and my safe haven.
Welp folks, this was longish and mushy. You're welcome. But now we are all on the same page which is just grand. I am off to write a paper for my creepy rapist professor. You have a lovely day((:
The Lord is my shield, in whom I take refuge. ~ Psalms 144:2♥
It has been entirely too long. My bad. I have literally had my priorities all outta whack. Much has happened since I last spoke at you in August. I have changed a lot. In a good way((: I am really letting God guide me now. This summer and really up till september I forced Him to take a back seat while I drove the car that is my life. Yeah that really did not work out so good for me. I lost a little bit of myself for a while cause I was trying to so hard to make a certain someone into the person I knew they could be. I have this habit where I see peoples potential and all the good they possess and then I try and help them see it. I like projects because helping people makes me happy. But it also really really hurts me. It sucks when you put a lot of work into someone and they just throw it in your face. Why?? Why would you throw away someone who is only trying to be a light in your life?? August and September were really bad months for me. I lost my best friend to treatment and my boyfriend cause he was an idiot. The two people I spent the most time with and helping this summer and just like that they were gone. My best friend and I are stronger than ever now though and I will never ever doubt our friendship. We have been through a lot together. I will literally always support her and love her and she knows that((: The 'certain someone' I dated however..God brought him back into my life in October, after a month and a half of not one word to each other. I didn't know what God had up His sleeve but I was trusting Him cause that is really the only option I had. Everyone was telling me not to let him back in my life, but I made a choice to give him a chance and see what he had to say. This was his third chance btw. One thing you should know about me is that I do not write people off, its not a three strikes and your out kind of thing with me. I will give people chances right and left, and yes that may seem silly to you but you know what.. I have come to realize that I would never want someone to give up on me or write me off so why would I do that to someone else?? Exactly. So anyways, I met with him and we chatted. It was a good talk. I said everything I had been waiting months to say and he finally was honest. It was good. Here is the deal though. Being friends with an ex is really sticky territory for me. I cared a lot about him and he says he cared a lot about me and to try and make a friendship outta that right now just isn't possible. So basically we are putting distance between us.. for good you ask? I dunno, I gave the whole thing to God. All's I know is that he currently has no idea how to treat me and hasn't the slightest idea what I deserve. I do know what I deserve though. I want to be cared for, not used. I want to be cherished, not an afterthought. I want to be a priority, not an option. I want someone who is going to keep me accountable in my walk with God and who will encourage me and challenge me to do better, to be better. I am sick of being the one who challenges people. I need encouragement too, I need to be challenged and have someone who is looking out for me. Needless to say, this miss will be remaining single until God brings someone into my life that makes me want to be not single.
Well that should catch you up(: I am really happy. Honestly, for the first time since May I am happy beyond belief. I have a great job, I love love love love it. I have an amazing family that mean the world to me. I have really amazing friends that I would be lost without. But most important, I have God. He literally got me through everything that went down the last couple months. I don't even wanna think about where I would be if it weren't for Him. He is my rock, and my safe haven.
Welp folks, this was longish and mushy. You're welcome. But now we are all on the same page which is just grand. I am off to write a paper for my creepy rapist professor. You have a lovely day((:
The Lord is my shield, in whom I take refuge. ~ Psalms 144:2♥
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