I'm fighting to get you out of my head but I'm holding onto every word that you ever said.

This is bad. I miss you. I am literally fighting with everything in me not to call you. Today must just be one of those days where I am absolutely weak and in need of a great big hug. I'm better off without you I know that, but that honestly doesn't make the memories fade or the heartache lesson at all. I am not stupid enough to think I am the only one in the world experiencing this all, but that doesn't make me feel any less alone. I know God has someone amazing out there for me. I just miss you. The memories are rushing in today and I wish more than anything to just be in your arms to silence the pain of them all. I wish I could stop caring and turn it off like you apparently have, but I can't. When I care deeply for someone, it's a lifelong kind of thing! I'll never be able to erase the past, and I don't want to. Because of it I'm stronger and smarter and ready for my beautiful future. You are outta my life for a reason, I am just struggling with finding that reason and having it make sence. Why do I still want you in my life!? All I ever feel is bad about myself and hurt by what you say and yet I still want you to be here. That's stupid. Even stupider is knowing it's stupid and not being able to change the way I feel. I can't turn off my feelings. All I can do is start leaning on God an let you live your life. I can't fix you but God can. And everyday I pray for you that you open your heart to God and let him move in you and turn your life around. Praying is all I am capable of doing anymore. I can't let you suck me dry, I have way to much going on in my life to give one person that much of me, especially someone who doesn't appreciate it. I care about you, probably always will. But today marks the day where this ridiculous hold you have on my heart is broken. I am a better person as a result of everything we've been through and I pray that one day you will be too. But for now you're in my prayers and that's all God is asking of me and that's all I'm willing to give you anymore. No more tears, no more thoughts, just prayers.