so, why don't we go somewhere only we know.

the dog days are over folks. life is, to say the least, right where it should be. the stars are aligning and for once there actually seems to be some stability. which is neat. i have been through a (excuse my french) rather shitty year. i made a lot of poor decisions that led me to the year i had, but still its been no picnic. however i am now much more resilient and i am more myself than i have ever been.

i love how God does that. he breaks us down to nothing and then reshapes us. i am truly clay in His hands and i am thoroughly enjoying who He is molding me into.

on a side note let me hollar at you for a sec. frozen is a phenomenal movie that everyone needs to see it. i wanna watch it everyday for the rest of my life.

work is going stellar. i love it most days, when my dragon lady boss isn't in one of her moods that is. and i got my car fixed so yay. still loving living on my own, its a crazy radical journey but for the most part its the tits.

lifes just super good. i have every one i could possibly need, and i finally have rid myself of all of the toxic people that were just holding me back. and the greatest part of my life is that i have a super awesome God who has my back a million percent. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!

Praying for you, Merry Christmas<3

I caught myself.

i hate that moment when you realize you are learning a lesson.

i get that God has a plan for everything, i truly do. I just do not understand why i keep reliving the same scenario in ever single relationship i pursue. i am some so sort of magnet for emotionally unavailable and immature men. i feel ready to be committed to someone and i feel ready to settle down. and every time i come close to actually obtaining that kind of security it implodes. whats that about? i just want to be happy. and after everything that went down with josh and our relationship last year, alls i want is something stable and real. i feel like i deserve that much. and i know it has not quite even been a year since he and i were together but i just, i do not do well alone. i was single for a week after josh and than i dated continuously till april.. than i met someone i saw an actual future with. someone who embodied everything i know God wants for me and wants me to want for myself as well. and i wanted nothing more than to get to know him and be his friend. and as we got to know each other, we caught feelings. and with that got wrapped up in the newonce of it all and lost ourselves. not to the point of compromising ourselves or our standards. however we just did not talk about things so there was like this awkward limbo we were in. and then i had the bright idea to bring it up and that was the kiss of death.

he says that he is listening to God and seeking His will and i will by no means undermine anything that God says. i just feel in my heart that we had something and i feel through Gods hand we were brought together and i feel like he is scared so he is choosing a likely excuse as a way out of having to take a risk with his heart. but like i said i won't undermine Gods will, and i can only know what God is telling me. i do not know what God is telling him.

it just sucks feeling like its never gonna be my turn. i know i am only 23, but when your ready your ready.

but i am learning a lesson. a lesson of, just because i feel like i am ready for something in my life, does not necessarily mean God is ready for me to have it. He knows everything and my future is in His hands. I just suck at waiting and patience. especially with guys and relationships. i am just so ready. but then again maybe Gods trying tell me i am not.

sucks yo.

but also its a good thing. because it lets me know that my life is out of my control and i need to stop fighting God for that control. it belongs in His hands and life works out much better when it is in His hands and not my own.

His timing is perfect, mine is absolute shat.

peace and love to all and to all a good night *muah*

when you know, you know.

I am thoroughly annoyed by people lately. Not all people really, mostly just fake people. People that walk around pretending to be people they aren't, and i hate feeling like the only one who sees said people for who they really truly are. Take for instance, people that call themselves christians and then do everything possible that goes against everything that being a christian stands for. I know i am not perfect and in no way shape or form claim to be, but i also know right and wrong and try my very best to remain set apart and keep my testimony. I fail a lot but i don't live in my mistakes and pretend that i am not making them. You make a mistake and then you move forward from it, thats the beauty of forgiveness. God does not care how big or small your sin is, its all the same in His eyes and He forgives all of it, no matter what. But i tell you, those hypocrites out there really make me wanna shake babies (which i would never do but it just goes to show my level of frustration) and i am starting to get so fed up i may just lose my cool.

I am in love with my job. Its cray how awesome it is to work with all guys. Well its good and bad lol one of my coworkers told me today that i have a black girls physique. Which is funny, cause i do not but my work pants are apparenty showing otherwise. Ha too funny, and slightly uncomfortable, but flattering none the less. I am getting the hang of things, its just so much info at once. But i am so much happier than i was serving.

Theres this boy and he kinda sorta well mostly has stolen my heart, i cannot even describe it. This is the first time in my life that i have felt this kind of happy. Its so genuine, its unnerving. But i am loving it. Every second i get to spend with him is sheer perfection. I count myself lucky, very lucky. I knew all the heartache and failed attempts at love that i have experienced in my life would one day be worth it, and i really feel like they all lead me to him. To this feeling. This amazing never want it to end feeling. Even if i were never to see him again (God forbid) I would be able to live on, just knowing that for a brief time he showed me what it was like to be cherished, to laugh for no reason, to be thought of, to be a priority. That is all i have ever wanted, and i have had a taste of what it is like and i never wanna settle for less than that again. But obviously imma see him again, hopefully someday for every day for the rest of my life. Ya that's right, i am so very ready for the settling down phase of my life. Obviously first i wanna finish school, but getting serious with this guy is definitely a distraction from that lol ugh i could talk about him for days, but alas i will not.

Its late, and my melatonin is kicking in. Sleepy time she comes<3

nighty night blueberries.

The only reason i stay inside all day is to avoid paparazzi.

as i sit here watching the new girl laughing my butt off, by myself mind you, i think about life. man oh man is life good. i have a great new job, awesome awesome people in my life, and just all around a beautiful life. i need to start being more thankful to God for all He has brought me through this year and all of the things that He gave me through all my trials. its been a hell of a year, but by His grace i am alive and happier than i have ever been.

i started my new job yesterday. its gonna be super neat, i can feel it. i went to red robin yesterday and realized that i am going to be so much happier at t mobile. i loved working at red robin, it was a great experience. it is just not my scene anymore, some people there are just not good to be around.

ughhhhhhhhh a certain someone i happen to like a bit is out of the country and i cannot talk to said someone for like 3 weeks and its driving me bonkers. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. okay done with my rant, but seriously i miss him, i think i am going through withdrawals. lmao

i need my own show. i have so many funny ramblings going on in my head, what a hoot it would be. and everyone would laugh and i would laugh and we all be friends and hold hands. i think i would be a good famous person, i definitely would not be a miley or t swift and sure as hell not an amanda. i would be more like a, actually i would not be like anyone in hollywood. they all suck.

this is short but i gotta head to work soon, and new girl is not gonna watch itself.

tootles.

I wish there were minions instead of insects.

I am happy. Beyond happy. Its so weird feeling like this, like feeling sincerely happy. But its a good weird, a weird i love and i don't want this feeling to ever change. Today was like the first Sunday that i got to actually come home and enjoy family time after church and it has been awesome. I spent the weekend in Duluth with one of my best friends, and went to my first drive-in movie. It was amaze balls. We saw turbo, hillario. And we're the millers, also hillario. And the conjuring, not funny in the least, so so so so horrifying. It was da bomb.

I love sundays because i get to spend the first part of the dayy experiencing bomb worship at church, followed by an amazing message that fills my soul so full of the Spirit i could burst every time. Its such a fantastic feeling i cannot even explain it. God is so amazing and i just wanna tell everyone i see. I wish the world didn't make it so difficult to show people how big and powerful God is.

I am so sick of depressing people trying to be all fun-sucky and like mean. I get you hate your life but don't try and bring me down. I spent most of this year miserable and basically just swimming in bad decisions. I am done with that life and i am over people who were part of that life. I cannot be that person anymore or ever again and anyone who tries to bring me back down is getting a swift kick outta my life. I need positive people, who have a love for life and want to be better and have goals. I want people to drive me to be better and who encourage me. I am done with the people who free load on my positive energy. Its not a disposable reservoir, and its not free for all. Its mine and i am being selfish who gets to have access to it.

My toes and fingers match, bright neon orange. Ha they are obnoxious and fantastic. I thoroughly enjoy them. As if my personality wasn't loud enough had to add bright orange polish to the mix. I can't stop and i won't stop.. Right miley? lol what a hoe. She's gone cray cray in her noodle, her and amanda. I wish they woulda stayed normal.. they were such funny girls. People just cannot seem to hold there own in hollywood, they just keep selling there souls to the man. I promise y'all when i am famous i will stay me to the core for life. I will always and forever be my cray cray self, a good cray cray of course.

Yeah i use the word cray. Bite me. I made some mixx cds today. They make me happy when i am driving in my car. And i start my big girl job tomorrow so I need some pump me up music to get me geared up and ready to kick butt and take over the world. I really hope this job works out, i need it. Red robin brought me some awesome people but it also changed me and made me hate life sometimes. Its hard serving, like literally the hardest job i ever had. I mean wow sauce. Same thing everyday, people are so rude and you hafta be so nice all the time, and your feet hurt and you sweat all day cause you run around like a crazy person. T mobile has gotta be more fun than that, at least less physically and emotionally exhausting. I pray it will be. God brought me this job for a reason, and i am excited to see where He takes me as a result of this opportunity. Yay.

Well imma go back to pretty little liars, they need me, plus Toby is a babe and we are in love.

Tootles.

I still catch myself feeling sad about things that shouldn't matter anymore.

Oh hey there, I am 23 now. Whoop whoop. It was a great birthday. Much better than last year for sure. I really loathe being single though. I mean I am content being single I just very much miss the comfort that comes in a relationship. I am going through a lot right now and i am feeling so very lonely and in dire need of that companion that you can just sit and cuddle and talk about life and feelings. I haven't had that in so long. To be honest even when I was with my ex I never felt that companionship. Maybe at first but we were from 2 different worlds and that really put a strain on us. We both became different people, he stopped being who it took to get me and became the person he actually was all along and I had become someone I thought I would never be and someone I am trying very hard currently not to be. Its a fricken journey. I thought I was too far gone buried by my choices and mistakes but I underestimated God and He is helping me pick up the pieces and put them back together. Of course like only He could do. Do you ever just take a step back and look at your life and who you have become and think 'gee when i was 16 i never saw this as my life at this age'.  I thought i would be done with school, engaged or at least in a serious relationship, and in a good solid career with my school loans all paid off. And ya i guess that is  a bit of a fairy tail, but that is what I saw. And my reality? Ya i still have 2 years left and i still live at home and i am a waitress and i just i want more for my life. But i dunno what I am doing. I make damn good money serving but its just not the job for me anymore, its killing me. I need a big girl job. And yes Dani and I are getting a place soon, we start looking tomorrow. As far as finishing school goes, i need to get moved out first and manage my finances to see how much i have to put toward school. I have a lot saved now, but i have to get a new car and need money for rent and gas and bills and to put school in the mix makes me feel super poor. NO THANKS. Someone rich should just adopt me or buy me a money tree. Well this was fun but imma explore schools on the internet, or watch youtube, we'll see how the evening pans out. Peace out.

Curse you insomnia, you are a wicked bastard.

Its been a year since I have even thought about writing in my blog. I am embarrassed to admit that. I let so much of my life pass me by. I spent so much time with the wrong people and doing the wrong things. It is so amazing the clarity God gives you after the people who were clouding your judgement are out of your life. I am a little lost right now, but I am still alive. I am still here making a difference and influencing people in ways that I don't even know about. I am trying to be better about how I spend my days and who I spend my time with. I cannot wait until I feel complete again. Or until my heart feels like it beats on its own again, instead of me having to remind it to beat. Or until my laugh feels real again, I had a real genuine laugh the other day at work and I wanted to freeze that moment and never let it go cause I cannot remember the last time I laughed so uncontrollably for no reason. I used to have a joy that would just exude from me, but being in the toxic relationship that i was i lost myself a bit. I was not able to be my true self for so long that the version of myself that i became has become impossible to shake. I feel like i am a shadow of who i was, a couple years back i was in such a good spot. But I have also grown up a lot and of course with that maturity has been a lot of change. I am who I should be, who God wants me to be at this point in my life, but holy cow has it not be fun getting there. I have gotten my heart put in a blender and yet I still am capable of loving. Talk about big heart huh? Somedays I feel like its too big, like I care too much. But then I think, what if I didm't care at all? That would be so much worse than caring too much. I have a lot of hurt in my past, i am just working very hard on my self to use it as a lesson and not let it lessen me. I have shed a lot of tears, dealt with many sleepless nights, made some absolutely terrible choices, and still I am standing. Wanna know my secret? God. Prayer. Family. And my amazing friends. God has blessed me with an insanely awesome support system, an amazing family and the best friends. I would literally not be here if it were not for them. I also love my job, most days. God definitely provided that for me. He has given me so much and  I dunno how I got so lucky (: Sorry this was kinda all over the place, its like 4 in the morning and also my brain is mush lately. I AM GOING TO BED CAUSE IT IS INHUMAN TO BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW. Night and tootles.