My dreadful bout of doubt...

So basically December starts tomo. I cannot believe it!!!! I am done with school till January 12th as of next Thursday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!! I am almost done with school too, that makes me very pleased. I can be done and finally start my life.

This week has been kinda disappointing thus far and its only Tuesday. Sad face. But oh well I am getting my hair did on Saturday and all will be well :) Work is still crazy. People just drive me insane with their being all creepy. I am not someone who tolerates or appreciates creepy men. I am however getting the hang of the job, which is good since I am assistant manager. Ahhhhhhh Psych, what a funny show. James Roday and I will one day be married.

Eating pita chips, thinking about life and how I got to this place in it. I swear just last week I was starting the 9th grade. Excited to figure out who I was and meet cute high school boys. It wasn't until school started that I realized I was at a Christian school with real slim pickins lol I loved high school though. It appears, however, that I blinked and now its gone. And now college, I am literally in my last semester. How does that even happen?? I can't seem to catch up with my life. God's been ever so gracious in directing it but i just feel so stressed with trying to figure out what He's doing :P But alas it is not my job to figure out what He is doing, it is my job to simply follow His will and trust His gentle guidance. I am just having a bout of doubt. Doubt I wish would flee, and I would not be sad to see it go. I am strong in my faith and know that God won't leave me hanging and has beautiful plans in store for me. It is just that sometimes I want things to happen in a clear cut way so I don't get all confused, hurt, and stressed. But then again if things were clear cut and easy how would I ever learn from a situation?? I hate that pain that goes along with heartache. I hate the torture that goes along with confusion. I hate the constant fear that goes along with stress. I think the worst is the heartache. Something I experience farrrrrrrr too often. I often ask God why He let's me put my heart on the line time and time again. Wanna know what He says?? He says, 'Tara darling, you are the one who puts your heart there. All I wanna do is guard your heart, keep it safe, and give it to the person who was made to hold it forever.' Wow what an amazing Savior I have. He is here for me and I just do my own thing. Make selfish, foolish choices that end up biting me in the butt and chipping away pieces of my fragile heart. It does make me feel better though to know that if I would just trust God, He'll protect me and make sure I make smart choices using my head and not letting  my foolish heart take the lead.

Ughhhhh I have like a whole school years worth of homework to do tonight...KILL ME. Well its been real lovely catching up like old friends. I love you.

Stay classy♥

YOU own my heart.

Happy. What a funny word. I thought I was happy, thought my joy was pure. Turns out the my source of joy was not so legit. As human beings we are creatures of comfort. My life was so comfortable. Safe. And then all the sudden, that safety vanished. Fear crept in and took over. Sure, that's part of life. It seems like an ever-so present part of my life though. God is my rock, yes. But my nature is to rely on myself, and others. Its a horrible habit. I feel safe in my relationship with God, but my other relationships are less than unsettling. Wouldn't it be nice if God would just stop you from putting your heart on the line. Time and time again I do, and time and time again it backfires. I am a sharer. I talk a lot. I love it. I love to tell stories and when people ask, I tell. I do not think that is a bad quality, but people take advantage of it more often than not. I have boundaries, clear set boundaries that I am very forthright about. But people wiggle their way into the very inner chambers of my heart. There are holes where God should be and instead I've let other people fill in instead (mainly men-folk). God is my life. He is my Savior and my Redeemer and my Everlasting Father. But I get caught up in my selfish desires sometimes. Desires that have proven to be foolish and time consuming and just plain monotonous. I am done playing the game. I am starting a new game. God is making the rules and calling the shots. I will gladly be his pawn. I am ready to go where ever he sees fit. His will is just so very pure and perfect. I see big things in my future, and His hand in mine the whole entire way. It is kinda scary. But its the good scary. The kind of scary that does not give me nightmares, I have dreams with unicorns and butterflies and all things happy.

Work is really bringing me down lately. Guys can be real d-bags. I truly, wholeheartedly do not enjoy getting hit on. Sure every now and then it can be flattering. But when it happens every time I work?? Nope. It is just scary, and makes me feel awful. I actually cried on Monday cause it was so bad. I am in customer service, therefore I smile and treat the customers with sunshine. I evidently gotta tone down my personality. Not cool. It would be nice if guys could be smart and realize its my job to smile at them and treat them nicely. It is just really starting to take a toll on me.

Today was one of the best days that I have had all week. God was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good to me. He knew I needed it. I have so many amazing people in my life. God is real good at weeding out the bad ones and leaving the ones who bring me joy and keep me accountable in my faith. My family has been so key in shaping me too. My dad is my hero. My mom always has advice and lets me talk out ALL my feelings. My sisters are my best friends. Ashley, that girl can make me laugh/cry and always knows exactly what to say, she has one of the best shoulders..I use it often! I love her so much. Ellyse, she has always had my back. This girl has such a pure heart and I can tell her anything. I can talk to her forever and she always knows how to make me feel better. I love her so much. Alex, oh dear where to start. This kid is my best friend. We have such a deep connection and I would kill for this girl, seriously if anyone ever tries to hurt her they are sure gonna hafta deal with me. We have epic dance parties in the kitchen. Inside jokes out the wazoo. I just love her so much. My family is my life. I have such an amazing life. I wouldn't trade it for anything that anyone could possibly offer me. I am completely content with having my Jesus and my family. I want or need anything else.

My heart belongs to God and that makes me feel so safe and sound. Nothing in the world can offer me the kind of eternal protection that comes from my Jesus. I just epically love my life!!!! :)

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it♥

Absolutely everything is making me laugh tonight :) My daddy just said that he was nicknamed Jockstrap in college....BAHAHAHAHAHA gotta love football players. Also he was drinking grape juice and mom was like 'Thomas get that off the floor, if it spills so help me..' And I was like yeah dad if it spills I am gonna shake you till you pee. Let me explain. When I was like 8 I spilled grape juice all over the carpet and well daddy was less than pleased and so he was yelling and slightly shaking me (i know right, shaking baby syndrome) and well I got so scared I peed my pants :) I mean I told him I was gonna but he wouldn't let me go potty so I uh just went in my panties. Totally the funniest story. I tell it at parties :) Its how I get the fellas. We were watching this show about being pregnant but not knowing you were pregnant (really dumb) and one of the babies was named Glen Jr. Seriously struck me as hilarious and I still can't contain my laughter.

I have this gal pal, her name is Biz. You can call her Rachel Greene. She is suppa awesome. We laugh a lot. Which I love!!!!! We also have 87 thousand things in common. She is the most important person in our relationship, clearly. I mean I am so insignificant in comparison to her. Bizzle nizzle I love you too death, thanks for loving me even though I may possibly be clinically insane 8 days a week ;) Love you♥

I have really been loving life. God has been epically spectacular :) I have just been relying on him for everything and anything and my dearlings it is the most rewarding thing you could possibly do!!!! On Sunday I taught Sunday school and oh my heavens it was lovely. I talked about how without prayer and constantly being immersed in the Bible one cannot make a proper decision. Which come on people... It is so true!!

I have been thinking a lot lately. About heartaches. About my past. About how hard it was and how I thought daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang I am never gonna make it through! But guess what???? I did. I made it. I am like ten zillion times better than I was. I am standing on my own two feet, proud of who I am. Its all thanks to my Jesus. He just picked me up, dusted me off, and said 'my dear you are gonna be just fine...Suck it up and move on babe, ain't nobody gonna bring you down unless you let them!' He was possible a little less off hand about it.. Our vernacular is a tidge different ;) Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you. I am ready to be lucky!

You guys, I worked out tonight... I gotta shower. I am muy stinky! Remember: For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with
the knowledge that you are never alone. That is a little snip it I would like to leave with you tonight! Love you all :D


Nightie night
♥♥♥

I'm not that girl..

I completely and utterly wholeheartedly adore my life. Each day, of each week is filled with sincere happiness. Happiness that stems from my Lord and Savior. He has really been teaching me to trust Him lately. I keep trying to force things to happen my way and in my time and when they don't I feel like an epic failure. But see I have a fallback... His will. Odd though because His will should be my first thought not an after thought, or a plan B. Stupid human nature.

Running into someone you used to love and you thought you'd love forever is so inconvenient. I see him every year, on the same day. I wish that would stop being a tradition. My heart still skips a beat. My tears still flow. My life seems to cease and time stands still for that tiniest moment. He said forEVER when he clearly meant forNEVER. I am a strong person. I have an amazing life and honestly wouldn't trade who I am and my life for anything. But times, like running into him make me think, why can't it go back to how it was? We were happy. I loved you. And you said you loved me. I wanted you for always. You chose her. I am okay with things now. I have moved on and am living my life absent of you. So would you kindly stop popping up places. I don't want to let him have this power over me anymore, but he still has that piece of my heart. And when I see him, that piece yearns to be back in my chest. But it won't be. I gave it away and as matter a of fact I don't want it back. It's tainted with false love and tragic lies. God has amazingness in store for me. I know I will be truly great in whatever I do because He faithful and has a perfect will.

In Him is where my strength lies, I died to myself in the summer of 2008 when God took back control my life and said 'Tara you are done living for you, I have much better plans for you than you have for yourself and frankly what you have been doing and how you have been living has not been my will and you need to cut it out.' That voice was not so still in small, it was loud and needless to say I got the HINT :)

Since then I have had many slip ups and times when it was about Tara instead of about Him, but I truly have grown as a person. When I look back at who I was and all that time I wasted living for myself it makes me cry. Imagine what I could have done?? I wasted years of my life trying to make myself happy by the worlds standards. I was stupid and selfish and undeserving of the life God freely gave me. I am lucky that He still wanted me. Even when I didn't want myself. He took me in His arms and fixed me up. I am so on fire for Him. I know I am still growing and still making mistakes but the beauty is that now I am learning from them and I am leaning on Him. I am acknowledging Him and He is directing my paths. I feel so safe, I feel so sound. I feel whole again. The Spirit is my guide and I am so excited to see where God takes me.

I don't need the world for happiness. The world fails at fulling my void. Jesus is the only one who completes me. Again I say I love my life. And I mean that is every possible way. I don't live my life with a superficially happy facade, no I am indeed this happy :):)

Whoop, good talk. Don't forget to vote tomorrow y'all. It is important, vote for life..Let's take control.

Peace out girl scout!