I still catch myself feeling sad about things that shouldn't matter anymore.

Oh hey there, I am 23 now. Whoop whoop. It was a great birthday. Much better than last year for sure. I really loathe being single though. I mean I am content being single I just very much miss the comfort that comes in a relationship. I am going through a lot right now and i am feeling so very lonely and in dire need of that companion that you can just sit and cuddle and talk about life and feelings. I haven't had that in so long. To be honest even when I was with my ex I never felt that companionship. Maybe at first but we were from 2 different worlds and that really put a strain on us. We both became different people, he stopped being who it took to get me and became the person he actually was all along and I had become someone I thought I would never be and someone I am trying very hard currently not to be. Its a fricken journey. I thought I was too far gone buried by my choices and mistakes but I underestimated God and He is helping me pick up the pieces and put them back together. Of course like only He could do. Do you ever just take a step back and look at your life and who you have become and think 'gee when i was 16 i never saw this as my life at this age'.  I thought i would be done with school, engaged or at least in a serious relationship, and in a good solid career with my school loans all paid off. And ya i guess that is  a bit of a fairy tail, but that is what I saw. And my reality? Ya i still have 2 years left and i still live at home and i am a waitress and i just i want more for my life. But i dunno what I am doing. I make damn good money serving but its just not the job for me anymore, its killing me. I need a big girl job. And yes Dani and I are getting a place soon, we start looking tomorrow. As far as finishing school goes, i need to get moved out first and manage my finances to see how much i have to put toward school. I have a lot saved now, but i have to get a new car and need money for rent and gas and bills and to put school in the mix makes me feel super poor. NO THANKS. Someone rich should just adopt me or buy me a money tree. Well this was fun but imma explore schools on the internet, or watch youtube, we'll see how the evening pans out. Peace out.

Curse you insomnia, you are a wicked bastard.

Its been a year since I have even thought about writing in my blog. I am embarrassed to admit that. I let so much of my life pass me by. I spent so much time with the wrong people and doing the wrong things. It is so amazing the clarity God gives you after the people who were clouding your judgement are out of your life. I am a little lost right now, but I am still alive. I am still here making a difference and influencing people in ways that I don't even know about. I am trying to be better about how I spend my days and who I spend my time with. I cannot wait until I feel complete again. Or until my heart feels like it beats on its own again, instead of me having to remind it to beat. Or until my laugh feels real again, I had a real genuine laugh the other day at work and I wanted to freeze that moment and never let it go cause I cannot remember the last time I laughed so uncontrollably for no reason. I used to have a joy that would just exude from me, but being in the toxic relationship that i was i lost myself a bit. I was not able to be my true self for so long that the version of myself that i became has become impossible to shake. I feel like i am a shadow of who i was, a couple years back i was in such a good spot. But I have also grown up a lot and of course with that maturity has been a lot of change. I am who I should be, who God wants me to be at this point in my life, but holy cow has it not be fun getting there. I have gotten my heart put in a blender and yet I still am capable of loving. Talk about big heart huh? Somedays I feel like its too big, like I care too much. But then I think, what if I didm't care at all? That would be so much worse than caring too much. I have a lot of hurt in my past, i am just working very hard on my self to use it as a lesson and not let it lessen me. I have shed a lot of tears, dealt with many sleepless nights, made some absolutely terrible choices, and still I am standing. Wanna know my secret? God. Prayer. Family. And my amazing friends. God has blessed me with an insanely awesome support system, an amazing family and the best friends. I would literally not be here if it were not for them. I also love my job, most days. God definitely provided that for me. He has given me so much and  I dunno how I got so lucky (: Sorry this was kinda all over the place, its like 4 in the morning and also my brain is mush lately. I AM GOING TO BED CAUSE IT IS INHUMAN TO BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW. Night and tootles.

When your mind says "give up" hope whispers "one more try"(:

Wowsers magoo it has been a while. I am currently working for a temp agency now instead of The Mezz. I quit there a couple weeks back. Feels so good to be away from there, I am so much happier. Looking for a new job however is very tiring and discouraging, but I am not giving up. God is gonna provide something amazing I just know it. I have an amazing boyfriend and family and life is just really good, everything is adding up. God blesses me so much its mind boggling. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. Josh and I went to the horse races last Friday, my first horse race ever and it was ever so lovely<3 It made me wanna be a jockey but unfortunately I am way to gargantuan to be one. Sad day. Oh well, I am sure I will find something more suiting for me(: Life is just guuuuhhhhhoooooodd. Sometimes it is hard to see the good when bad things continue looming. But I am starting to tell the bad things to eff off and leave me to me and my happiness. Its working(: I am done focusing on unimportant things that are trying to trip me up, instead I am loving everything good in my life. And there are so many good things that I want nor need anything else to feel complete or fulfilled.

Well my lovelies I will talk to you soon, <3

No matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

Life has been some pretty major craziness lately. Daddy has his biopsy and bone marrow test tomorrow. I am trusting God but I am also a wee bit scared cause my daddy is my hero and its hard seeing him not at his full superhero strength. I know it will all work out and God has a master plan for my daddy but that doesn't ease my worry and concern. Its not a lack of faith its my impatient nature, I just wanna know my daddy is gonna be okay and that his test results prove him to be back in remission instead of out of it. But that's in Gods hands and I will try my best to let that suffice. I am also still at the Mezz, and got me a little promotion type dealio in the works, pretty bomb. I am still happy in the love department. I really have landed a good one here folks. Like honestly, never felt this happy and cherished and special. What do they call that??...Oh that's right, love. I got bit bad by that love bug character, and I hate bugs, but I am not so much minding this bug bite(; well that's enough mushy gushiness for now. In other news I am on the job hunt for a job within my career path of choice, aka PR. So that's nifty and super fun. Its exhausting looking though. But I did get a super cool fancy pants suit for all my job interviews. So basically I am like business barbie now. Which is a dream come true(; I am almost gonna be an aunt again, little baby Tara will be here in August, can't wait. I miss Ashley, shes in California and stuff and that's far away and that makes me sad. But I will see her when Ese pops our baby Tara #2 so that makes me happy(: Hmmmm can't really think of anything else to catch you up on, so I love you but most of God loves you, that's all folks!

May peace be with you, and also the force.

Life is about trusting our feelings & taking chances, losing & finding happiness, appreciating the memories & learning from the past(:

I can literally not believe how long it has been. Holy schnikes. I am in such a better place than I was in November. I have an amazing guy in my life now, one of those never saw this coming things and never knew I could be this happy(: I am lead server at the Mezz now. Cool beans and what not. Life has been really good. I turned to God after everything that went down last November and aspects of my life just started falling together and it made me see just how amazing God is. He is beyond limitless, He is beyond understanding, He is just beyond. It literally boggles my mind to try and fathom the lengths He goes for me. Just by merely giving me life I am in awe. I can never explain the joy being His child brings me, nor can I ever show Him enough love. Its a bittersweet realization. Because all I do is continually fall short and He never, not once turns His back on me or leaves me down on the ground. I am literally eternally grateful to Him. He is my safety net and my lifelong companion. When I pray and talk with Him I feel home. I feel safe. I feel sound. Its unbelievably overwhelming, in an amazing way. I am just being really challenged lately to stop relying on myself and others, and to for once fully relinquish myself over to God's control and factor everything else outta the equation. Something that is feeling nearly impossible lately. Life is blurring bye and I am scrambling to keep up. Its a whirlwind ride but I am loving every minute of it. 

A smile makes you look younger. Prayers make you feel stronger. So smile lots, and pray often.

Praying for you all and love you bunches<3

I'm fighting to get you out of my head but I'm holding onto every word that you ever said.

This is bad. I miss you. I am literally fighting with everything in me not to call you. Today must just be one of those days where I am absolutely weak and in need of a great big hug. I'm better off without you I know that, but that honestly doesn't make the memories fade or the heartache lesson at all. I am not stupid enough to think I am the only one in the world experiencing this all, but that doesn't make me feel any less alone. I know God has someone amazing out there for me. I just miss you. The memories are rushing in today and I wish more than anything to just be in your arms to silence the pain of them all. I wish I could stop caring and turn it off like you apparently have, but I can't. When I care deeply for someone, it's a lifelong kind of thing! I'll never be able to erase the past, and I don't want to. Because of it I'm stronger and smarter and ready for my beautiful future. You are outta my life for a reason, I am just struggling with finding that reason and having it make sence. Why do I still want you in my life!? All I ever feel is bad about myself and hurt by what you say and yet I still want you to be here. That's stupid. Even stupider is knowing it's stupid and not being able to change the way I feel. I can't turn off my feelings. All I can do is start leaning on God an let you live your life. I can't fix you but God can. And everyday I pray for you that you open your heart to God and let him move in you and turn your life around. Praying is all I am capable of doing anymore. I can't let you suck me dry, I have way to much going on in my life to give one person that much of me, especially someone who doesn't appreciate it. I care about you, probably always will. But today marks the day where this ridiculous hold you have on my heart is broken. I am a better person as a result of everything we've been through and I pray that one day you will be too. But for now you're in my prayers and that's all God is asking of me and that's all I'm willing to give you anymore. No more tears, no more thoughts, just prayers.

❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ WHO CARES, I’M AWESOME! ;D

So dear people that read my blog,

It has been entirely too long. My bad. I have literally had my priorities all outta whack. Much has happened since I last spoke at you in August. I have changed a lot. In a good way((: I am really letting God guide me now. This summer and really up till september I forced Him to take a back seat while I drove the car that is my life. Yeah that really did not work out so good for me. I lost a little bit of myself for a while cause I was trying to so hard to make a certain someone into the person I knew they could be. I have this habit where I see peoples potential and all the good they possess and then I try and help them see it. I like projects because helping people makes me happy. But it also really really hurts me. It sucks when you put a lot of work into someone and they just throw it in your face. Why?? Why would you throw away someone who is only trying to be a light in your life?? August and September were really bad months for me. I lost my best friend to treatment and my boyfriend cause he was an idiot. The two people I spent the most time with and helping this summer and just like that they were gone. My best friend and I are stronger than ever now though and I will never ever doubt our friendship. We have been through a lot together. I will literally always support her and love her and she knows that((: The 'certain someone' I dated however..God brought him back into my life in October, after a month and a half of not one word to each other. I didn't know what God had up His sleeve but I was trusting Him cause that is really the only option I had. Everyone was telling me not to let him back in my life, but I made a choice to give him a chance and see what he had to say. This was his third chance btw. One thing you should know about me is that I do not write people off, its not a three strikes and your out kind of thing with me. I will give people chances right and left, and yes that may seem silly to you but you know what.. I have come to realize that I would never want someone to give up on me or write me off so why would I do that to someone else?? Exactly. So anyways, I met with him and we chatted. It was a good talk. I said everything I had been waiting months to say and he finally was honest. It was good. Here is the deal though. Being friends with an ex is really sticky territory for me. I cared a lot about him and he says he cared a lot about me and to try and make a friendship outta that right now just isn't possible. So basically we are putting distance between us.. for good you ask? I dunno, I gave the whole thing to God. All's I know is that he currently has no idea how to treat me and hasn't the slightest idea what I deserve. I do know what I deserve though. I want to be cared for, not used. I want to be cherished, not an afterthought. I want to be a priority, not an option. I want someone who is going to keep me accountable in my walk with God and who will encourage me and challenge me to do better, to be better. I am sick of being the one who challenges people. I need encouragement too, I need to be challenged and have someone who is looking out for me. Needless to say, this miss will be remaining single until God brings someone into my life that makes me want to be not single.

Well that should catch you up(: I am really happy. Honestly, for the first time since May I am happy beyond belief. I have a great job, I love love love love it. I have an amazing family that mean the world to me. I have really amazing friends that I would be lost without. But most important, I have God. He literally got me through everything that went down the last couple months. I don't even wanna think about where I would be if it weren't for Him. He is my rock, and my safe haven.

Welp folks, this was longish and mushy. You're welcome. But now we are all on the same page which is just grand. I am off to write a paper for my creepy rapist professor. You have a lovely day((:

The Lord is my shield, in whom I take refuge. ~ Psalms 144:2♥