2020 has been a real B word.

Hey guys,

I am sure you know by now that there is a global pandemic going on. And its mass chaos every where you turn. Everything's closed. You are not allowed to socialize. Its honestly scary as hell, end of the world doom and gloom. I get it, I am right there with you.

What I am trying SO HARD to do everything though is find ONE thing to be thankful for and to focus on to remain positive.

Today's thing is.....My job!

You guys my company is such an amazing blessing. Edmentum has saved me in more ways then i can name, and i am so beyond grateful to work for such an amazing company. I get to wake up, and help schools continue to make a difference and keep education alive even during a global shutdown.


I know so many people are out of work right now, and so 'your job' might not be something positive for you. And for that my heart breaks for you and i am praying you are taken care of and blessed during this time.

I hope you guys are finding bright lights during this dark time.

I hope you are praying.

I hope you are finding comfort in God.

I hope you are virtually leaning on loved ones.

I have been leaning heavily on God. Embarrassing to admit but more than I have in a long time. In times of trouble God really tends to break me down and remind me its through Him I am strong.

Wednesday was a doozie of a day for me. I spent almost 6 hours on the phone with nurses, then doing a video visit with a Dr, and then finally being in the ER.  It was so scary. Anyone who knows me knows i HATE HOSPITALS. And how things are set up now you cannot have anyone come in with you. Just solo dolo. So i sat in there being poked and prodded, and hooked up to stuff completely isolated. I am so grateful that i was discharged and did not have to be admitted. I am still having breathing issues and chest pains but THANK GOD i was able to get on a steroid to help with that and should see improvement soon.

GUYS stay inside, let's do our part to flatten the curve. I know its hard to isolate, trust me I am queen of the social butterflies BUT we have to. You will save lives by doing it, i promise you that.

Anyone who reads this, You are loved. I am praying for each and every one of you. Together we will all get through this. God's got us! 💓

Turning lemons into lemonade!

It's been a hot minute since i have written anything. I have always used writing as an outlet so i think i need to get back to that.

5 years has passed... Where to start ha

Life without my dad is weird, so weird. It feels like the brightest light in my life disappeared. I still feel him with me and carry him in my heart but its not the same. I honestly need and want him here. It is crazy cause at 28 i never assumed i would need my dad (parents) so much, but i do.

Dad really brought my family together, even when we didn't want to be. He made sure we stayed close and tight knit and together. He provided so wonderfully for us and always made sure we knew how loved we were.

It's hard not having that anymore.

I remember thinking the week before he passed away that it all felt like a dream. It genuinely did not feel like i was going to lose him. Even looking at him in the hospital bed, i thought 'God is going to heal you'. I wholeheartedly believed that. But he didn't do that. He didn't heal my dad. He took him. Feeling his last breath leave his chest on the day he died is a memory that will sit heavy with me my whole life. I honestly prayed in that moment for God to take me too. I did not want to live in world where he didn't exist.

At that point i created as much distance between God and I that i could.

Some people may read what i am about to say and think 'She's such a bad christian' and that's fine. My relationship with God ebbs and flows, and its not perfect just as i am not perfect. I have never pretended to know it all.

After my dad died, i was SO upset at God. I wanted nothing to do with Him. And for a good chunk of time I didn't speak to Him or about Him. Does that make me a bad Christian? Nope. Does that make me human? Very much so. Until you lose someone that means as much to you as my dad meant to me i do not care to hear your opinion about my journey or my faith and relationship with God.

Grief changes you. And i let it wash over me like 1000 pounds of bricks. I tuned out the holy spirit and did anything and everything to make myself feel better.

Let me just point out quickly, the world sucks at filling voids. All it does it make voids bigger. I promise you that.

Quick side note - i am dumbfounded by the number of people that have tried to compare losing an animal to me losing my dad. I have never wanted to throat punch a person more than when i hear that. Your dog or cat or fish did not raise you and give you life. I get loss is loss but do not compare my dad with a pet. Sit down and shut up.

Anyways, the world. What a shitty place when you shut God out. Ugh. Nothing the world has to offer made me feel the loss of my dad any less.

It took me a good 3 years to learn that though.

Yes i am a christian. Yes i love God. Yes i have a relationship with God.

BUT

I am a human being. And i lost the most important man in my life. So anything and everything i said or did the past 5 years is WHY i am still standing here today - it was all part of bringing me through my own personal hell. And for that i am grateful.

There were times in the past couple years when i had the weakest and lowest moments of my life and God was still there (silent cause i shut Him out but he was there).

Am i proud of every decision i have made? No way. Am i proud of the person i have become as a result of those good and bad decisions? Absolutely.

I chased life and i lived it. And i regret nothing. I pursued happiness down good and bad avenues and i wound up EXACTLY where God wanted me.

I know not everyone believes in God or in His plan for their lives. I accept the fact that people believe differently than me. I don't judge anyone and i love everyone. I am like my dad that way.

I do pray though that God works in me and through me so that my story  and life can help people see His light.

I feel the loss of my dad everyday, but i also feel his love.

I chose to be his living legacy and to take up his passion and love for people and use that to bring glory to God and expand His kingdom.

The last 5 years kicked my ass.

But it also woke my ass up :)

Be genuine. Be kind. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Respect people who are different and believe differently than you. Don't condemn, don't judge. That is God's job not yours. God made us all and He loves us all. He is love. So be love.The world needs it.

Tata for now,
Beyonce Pad Thai

Joshua 1:9
'YES! Be bold and strong! Banish fear and doubt! For remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.'

Life is anything but a fairy tale...

I am just empty.
A couple months ago life stopped making sense.
Days have started blurring together.
Weeks pass, months pass.. Any yet life is standing still for me.
I find myself constantly asking why.
As in.. Why my dad? Why my family? Why God?
I dunno what to feel except for anger.
Anger towards God.
And than anger with myself for being angry at God.
He is sovereign I know that, and He has a plan, I get that.
But I just cannot wrap my mind around it all.
I am human and I need this to all make sense in my silly human head.
Every morning I hafta remind myself to breathe, take it second by second.
Focus on my daddy and my family.
My family, who is the rock of my life, my foundation.
My daddy who showed me what life with God is all about, and baptized me and raised me in the word.

I need to focus on that, remembering all the good times and making more good times.
If I spend so much time being sad I will lose out on all this happiness.
My daddy deserves my support and my love and any sort of comfort I can give him.
I will be strong for him, I will find strength in God and faith that His plan is perfect.

God I am sorry for my weakness.
Sorry for my anger.
Sorry for my doubt.
Sorry for my fear.
Sorry for all my silly human thoughts.

I promise to start being better.
To be strong.
To be brave.
To love my daddy for as long as I can, and even more after you decide to take him home.
To make sure he knows how much he is loved and how much he shaped my life.
How he taught me how to be a child of God and showed me everything I want to be someday.
He gave me life, he taught me about life, and he made my life everything that it is.

Thank you God for giving me the best earthly father possible, sorry for any moment in my life that I did not appreciate him. Please give me many years with him to make up for that, and I am sorry for even asking that cause I know you have a plan but I need my daddy. I want him to walk me down the isle. I want him to hold my babies. I want a future with him. And that is selfish, and I know that, but its all I ask.

Please let me keep my daddy.

so, why don't we go somewhere only we know.

the dog days are over folks. life is, to say the least, right where it should be. the stars are aligning and for once there actually seems to be some stability. which is neat. i have been through a (excuse my french) rather shitty year. i made a lot of poor decisions that led me to the year i had, but still its been no picnic. however i am now much more resilient and i am more myself than i have ever been.

i love how God does that. he breaks us down to nothing and then reshapes us. i am truly clay in His hands and i am thoroughly enjoying who He is molding me into.

on a side note let me hollar at you for a sec. frozen is a phenomenal movie that everyone needs to see it. i wanna watch it everyday for the rest of my life.

work is going stellar. i love it most days, when my dragon lady boss isn't in one of her moods that is. and i got my car fixed so yay. still loving living on my own, its a crazy radical journey but for the most part its the tits.

lifes just super good. i have every one i could possibly need, and i finally have rid myself of all of the toxic people that were just holding me back. and the greatest part of my life is that i have a super awesome God who has my back a million percent. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!

Praying for you, Merry Christmas<3

I caught myself.

i hate that moment when you realize you are learning a lesson.

i get that God has a plan for everything, i truly do. I just do not understand why i keep reliving the same scenario in ever single relationship i pursue. i am some so sort of magnet for emotionally unavailable and immature men. i feel ready to be committed to someone and i feel ready to settle down. and every time i come close to actually obtaining that kind of security it implodes. whats that about? i just want to be happy. and after everything that went down with josh and our relationship last year, alls i want is something stable and real. i feel like i deserve that much. and i know it has not quite even been a year since he and i were together but i just, i do not do well alone. i was single for a week after josh and than i dated continuously till april.. than i met someone i saw an actual future with. someone who embodied everything i know God wants for me and wants me to want for myself as well. and i wanted nothing more than to get to know him and be his friend. and as we got to know each other, we caught feelings. and with that got wrapped up in the newonce of it all and lost ourselves. not to the point of compromising ourselves or our standards. however we just did not talk about things so there was like this awkward limbo we were in. and then i had the bright idea to bring it up and that was the kiss of death.

he says that he is listening to God and seeking His will and i will by no means undermine anything that God says. i just feel in my heart that we had something and i feel through Gods hand we were brought together and i feel like he is scared so he is choosing a likely excuse as a way out of having to take a risk with his heart. but like i said i won't undermine Gods will, and i can only know what God is telling me. i do not know what God is telling him.

it just sucks feeling like its never gonna be my turn. i know i am only 23, but when your ready your ready.

but i am learning a lesson. a lesson of, just because i feel like i am ready for something in my life, does not necessarily mean God is ready for me to have it. He knows everything and my future is in His hands. I just suck at waiting and patience. especially with guys and relationships. i am just so ready. but then again maybe Gods trying tell me i am not.

sucks yo.

but also its a good thing. because it lets me know that my life is out of my control and i need to stop fighting God for that control. it belongs in His hands and life works out much better when it is in His hands and not my own.

His timing is perfect, mine is absolute shat.

peace and love to all and to all a good night *muah*

when you know, you know.

I am thoroughly annoyed by people lately. Not all people really, mostly just fake people. People that walk around pretending to be people they aren't, and i hate feeling like the only one who sees said people for who they really truly are. Take for instance, people that call themselves christians and then do everything possible that goes against everything that being a christian stands for. I know i am not perfect and in no way shape or form claim to be, but i also know right and wrong and try my very best to remain set apart and keep my testimony. I fail a lot but i don't live in my mistakes and pretend that i am not making them. You make a mistake and then you move forward from it, thats the beauty of forgiveness. God does not care how big or small your sin is, its all the same in His eyes and He forgives all of it, no matter what. But i tell you, those hypocrites out there really make me wanna shake babies (which i would never do but it just goes to show my level of frustration) and i am starting to get so fed up i may just lose my cool.

I am in love with my job. Its cray how awesome it is to work with all guys. Well its good and bad lol one of my coworkers told me today that i have a black girls physique. Which is funny, cause i do not but my work pants are apparenty showing otherwise. Ha too funny, and slightly uncomfortable, but flattering none the less. I am getting the hang of things, its just so much info at once. But i am so much happier than i was serving.

Theres this boy and he kinda sorta well mostly has stolen my heart, i cannot even describe it. This is the first time in my life that i have felt this kind of happy. Its so genuine, its unnerving. But i am loving it. Every second i get to spend with him is sheer perfection. I count myself lucky, very lucky. I knew all the heartache and failed attempts at love that i have experienced in my life would one day be worth it, and i really feel like they all lead me to him. To this feeling. This amazing never want it to end feeling. Even if i were never to see him again (God forbid) I would be able to live on, just knowing that for a brief time he showed me what it was like to be cherished, to laugh for no reason, to be thought of, to be a priority. That is all i have ever wanted, and i have had a taste of what it is like and i never wanna settle for less than that again. But obviously imma see him again, hopefully someday for every day for the rest of my life. Ya that's right, i am so very ready for the settling down phase of my life. Obviously first i wanna finish school, but getting serious with this guy is definitely a distraction from that lol ugh i could talk about him for days, but alas i will not.

Its late, and my melatonin is kicking in. Sleepy time she comes<3

nighty night blueberries.

The only reason i stay inside all day is to avoid paparazzi.

as i sit here watching the new girl laughing my butt off, by myself mind you, i think about life. man oh man is life good. i have a great new job, awesome awesome people in my life, and just all around a beautiful life. i need to start being more thankful to God for all He has brought me through this year and all of the things that He gave me through all my trials. its been a hell of a year, but by His grace i am alive and happier than i have ever been.

i started my new job yesterday. its gonna be super neat, i can feel it. i went to red robin yesterday and realized that i am going to be so much happier at t mobile. i loved working at red robin, it was a great experience. it is just not my scene anymore, some people there are just not good to be around.

ughhhhhhhhh a certain someone i happen to like a bit is out of the country and i cannot talk to said someone for like 3 weeks and its driving me bonkers. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. okay done with my rant, but seriously i miss him, i think i am going through withdrawals. lmao

i need my own show. i have so many funny ramblings going on in my head, what a hoot it would be. and everyone would laugh and i would laugh and we all be friends and hold hands. i think i would be a good famous person, i definitely would not be a miley or t swift and sure as hell not an amanda. i would be more like a, actually i would not be like anyone in hollywood. they all suck.

this is short but i gotta head to work soon, and new girl is not gonna watch itself.

tootles.

I wish there were minions instead of insects.

I am happy. Beyond happy. Its so weird feeling like this, like feeling sincerely happy. But its a good weird, a weird i love and i don't want this feeling to ever change. Today was like the first Sunday that i got to actually come home and enjoy family time after church and it has been awesome. I spent the weekend in Duluth with one of my best friends, and went to my first drive-in movie. It was amaze balls. We saw turbo, hillario. And we're the millers, also hillario. And the conjuring, not funny in the least, so so so so horrifying. It was da bomb.

I love sundays because i get to spend the first part of the dayy experiencing bomb worship at church, followed by an amazing message that fills my soul so full of the Spirit i could burst every time. Its such a fantastic feeling i cannot even explain it. God is so amazing and i just wanna tell everyone i see. I wish the world didn't make it so difficult to show people how big and powerful God is.

I am so sick of depressing people trying to be all fun-sucky and like mean. I get you hate your life but don't try and bring me down. I spent most of this year miserable and basically just swimming in bad decisions. I am done with that life and i am over people who were part of that life. I cannot be that person anymore or ever again and anyone who tries to bring me back down is getting a swift kick outta my life. I need positive people, who have a love for life and want to be better and have goals. I want people to drive me to be better and who encourage me. I am done with the people who free load on my positive energy. Its not a disposable reservoir, and its not free for all. Its mine and i am being selfish who gets to have access to it.

My toes and fingers match, bright neon orange. Ha they are obnoxious and fantastic. I thoroughly enjoy them. As if my personality wasn't loud enough had to add bright orange polish to the mix. I can't stop and i won't stop.. Right miley? lol what a hoe. She's gone cray cray in her noodle, her and amanda. I wish they woulda stayed normal.. they were such funny girls. People just cannot seem to hold there own in hollywood, they just keep selling there souls to the man. I promise y'all when i am famous i will stay me to the core for life. I will always and forever be my cray cray self, a good cray cray of course.

Yeah i use the word cray. Bite me. I made some mixx cds today. They make me happy when i am driving in my car. And i start my big girl job tomorrow so I need some pump me up music to get me geared up and ready to kick butt and take over the world. I really hope this job works out, i need it. Red robin brought me some awesome people but it also changed me and made me hate life sometimes. Its hard serving, like literally the hardest job i ever had. I mean wow sauce. Same thing everyday, people are so rude and you hafta be so nice all the time, and your feet hurt and you sweat all day cause you run around like a crazy person. T mobile has gotta be more fun than that, at least less physically and emotionally exhausting. I pray it will be. God brought me this job for a reason, and i am excited to see where He takes me as a result of this opportunity. Yay.

Well imma go back to pretty little liars, they need me, plus Toby is a babe and we are in love.

Tootles.

I still catch myself feeling sad about things that shouldn't matter anymore.

Oh hey there, I am 23 now. Whoop whoop. It was a great birthday. Much better than last year for sure. I really loathe being single though. I mean I am content being single I just very much miss the comfort that comes in a relationship. I am going through a lot right now and i am feeling so very lonely and in dire need of that companion that you can just sit and cuddle and talk about life and feelings. I haven't had that in so long. To be honest even when I was with my ex I never felt that companionship. Maybe at first but we were from 2 different worlds and that really put a strain on us. We both became different people, he stopped being who it took to get me and became the person he actually was all along and I had become someone I thought I would never be and someone I am trying very hard currently not to be. Its a fricken journey. I thought I was too far gone buried by my choices and mistakes but I underestimated God and He is helping me pick up the pieces and put them back together. Of course like only He could do. Do you ever just take a step back and look at your life and who you have become and think 'gee when i was 16 i never saw this as my life at this age'.  I thought i would be done with school, engaged or at least in a serious relationship, and in a good solid career with my school loans all paid off. And ya i guess that is  a bit of a fairy tail, but that is what I saw. And my reality? Ya i still have 2 years left and i still live at home and i am a waitress and i just i want more for my life. But i dunno what I am doing. I make damn good money serving but its just not the job for me anymore, its killing me. I need a big girl job. And yes Dani and I are getting a place soon, we start looking tomorrow. As far as finishing school goes, i need to get moved out first and manage my finances to see how much i have to put toward school. I have a lot saved now, but i have to get a new car and need money for rent and gas and bills and to put school in the mix makes me feel super poor. NO THANKS. Someone rich should just adopt me or buy me a money tree. Well this was fun but imma explore schools on the internet, or watch youtube, we'll see how the evening pans out. Peace out.

Curse you insomnia, you are a wicked bastard.

Its been a year since I have even thought about writing in my blog. I am embarrassed to admit that. I let so much of my life pass me by. I spent so much time with the wrong people and doing the wrong things. It is so amazing the clarity God gives you after the people who were clouding your judgement are out of your life. I am a little lost right now, but I am still alive. I am still here making a difference and influencing people in ways that I don't even know about. I am trying to be better about how I spend my days and who I spend my time with. I cannot wait until I feel complete again. Or until my heart feels like it beats on its own again, instead of me having to remind it to beat. Or until my laugh feels real again, I had a real genuine laugh the other day at work and I wanted to freeze that moment and never let it go cause I cannot remember the last time I laughed so uncontrollably for no reason. I used to have a joy that would just exude from me, but being in the toxic relationship that i was i lost myself a bit. I was not able to be my true self for so long that the version of myself that i became has become impossible to shake. I feel like i am a shadow of who i was, a couple years back i was in such a good spot. But I have also grown up a lot and of course with that maturity has been a lot of change. I am who I should be, who God wants me to be at this point in my life, but holy cow has it not be fun getting there. I have gotten my heart put in a blender and yet I still am capable of loving. Talk about big heart huh? Somedays I feel like its too big, like I care too much. But then I think, what if I didm't care at all? That would be so much worse than caring too much. I have a lot of hurt in my past, i am just working very hard on my self to use it as a lesson and not let it lessen me. I have shed a lot of tears, dealt with many sleepless nights, made some absolutely terrible choices, and still I am standing. Wanna know my secret? God. Prayer. Family. And my amazing friends. God has blessed me with an insanely awesome support system, an amazing family and the best friends. I would literally not be here if it were not for them. I also love my job, most days. God definitely provided that for me. He has given me so much and  I dunno how I got so lucky (: Sorry this was kinda all over the place, its like 4 in the morning and also my brain is mush lately. I AM GOING TO BED CAUSE IT IS INHUMAN TO BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW. Night and tootles.

When your mind says "give up" hope whispers "one more try"(:

Wowsers magoo it has been a while. I am currently working for a temp agency now instead of The Mezz. I quit there a couple weeks back. Feels so good to be away from there, I am so much happier. Looking for a new job however is very tiring and discouraging, but I am not giving up. God is gonna provide something amazing I just know it. I have an amazing boyfriend and family and life is just really good, everything is adding up. God blesses me so much its mind boggling. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. Josh and I went to the horse races last Friday, my first horse race ever and it was ever so lovely<3 It made me wanna be a jockey but unfortunately I am way to gargantuan to be one. Sad day. Oh well, I am sure I will find something more suiting for me(: Life is just guuuuhhhhhoooooodd. Sometimes it is hard to see the good when bad things continue looming. But I am starting to tell the bad things to eff off and leave me to me and my happiness. Its working(: I am done focusing on unimportant things that are trying to trip me up, instead I am loving everything good in my life. And there are so many good things that I want nor need anything else to feel complete or fulfilled.

Well my lovelies I will talk to you soon, <3

No matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

Life has been some pretty major craziness lately. Daddy has his biopsy and bone marrow test tomorrow. I am trusting God but I am also a wee bit scared cause my daddy is my hero and its hard seeing him not at his full superhero strength. I know it will all work out and God has a master plan for my daddy but that doesn't ease my worry and concern. Its not a lack of faith its my impatient nature, I just wanna know my daddy is gonna be okay and that his test results prove him to be back in remission instead of out of it. But that's in Gods hands and I will try my best to let that suffice. I am also still at the Mezz, and got me a little promotion type dealio in the works, pretty bomb. I am still happy in the love department. I really have landed a good one here folks. Like honestly, never felt this happy and cherished and special. What do they call that??...Oh that's right, love. I got bit bad by that love bug character, and I hate bugs, but I am not so much minding this bug bite(; well that's enough mushy gushiness for now. In other news I am on the job hunt for a job within my career path of choice, aka PR. So that's nifty and super fun. Its exhausting looking though. But I did get a super cool fancy pants suit for all my job interviews. So basically I am like business barbie now. Which is a dream come true(; I am almost gonna be an aunt again, little baby Tara will be here in August, can't wait. I miss Ashley, shes in California and stuff and that's far away and that makes me sad. But I will see her when Ese pops our baby Tara #2 so that makes me happy(: Hmmmm can't really think of anything else to catch you up on, so I love you but most of God loves you, that's all folks!

May peace be with you, and also the force.

Life is about trusting our feelings & taking chances, losing & finding happiness, appreciating the memories & learning from the past(:

I can literally not believe how long it has been. Holy schnikes. I am in such a better place than I was in November. I have an amazing guy in my life now, one of those never saw this coming things and never knew I could be this happy(: I am lead server at the Mezz now. Cool beans and what not. Life has been really good. I turned to God after everything that went down last November and aspects of my life just started falling together and it made me see just how amazing God is. He is beyond limitless, He is beyond understanding, He is just beyond. It literally boggles my mind to try and fathom the lengths He goes for me. Just by merely giving me life I am in awe. I can never explain the joy being His child brings me, nor can I ever show Him enough love. Its a bittersweet realization. Because all I do is continually fall short and He never, not once turns His back on me or leaves me down on the ground. I am literally eternally grateful to Him. He is my safety net and my lifelong companion. When I pray and talk with Him I feel home. I feel safe. I feel sound. Its unbelievably overwhelming, in an amazing way. I am just being really challenged lately to stop relying on myself and others, and to for once fully relinquish myself over to God's control and factor everything else outta the equation. Something that is feeling nearly impossible lately. Life is blurring bye and I am scrambling to keep up. Its a whirlwind ride but I am loving every minute of it. 

A smile makes you look younger. Prayers make you feel stronger. So smile lots, and pray often.

Praying for you all and love you bunches<3

I'm fighting to get you out of my head but I'm holding onto every word that you ever said.

This is bad. I miss you. I am literally fighting with everything in me not to call you. Today must just be one of those days where I am absolutely weak and in need of a great big hug. I'm better off without you I know that, but that honestly doesn't make the memories fade or the heartache lesson at all. I am not stupid enough to think I am the only one in the world experiencing this all, but that doesn't make me feel any less alone. I know God has someone amazing out there for me. I just miss you. The memories are rushing in today and I wish more than anything to just be in your arms to silence the pain of them all. I wish I could stop caring and turn it off like you apparently have, but I can't. When I care deeply for someone, it's a lifelong kind of thing! I'll never be able to erase the past, and I don't want to. Because of it I'm stronger and smarter and ready for my beautiful future. You are outta my life for a reason, I am just struggling with finding that reason and having it make sence. Why do I still want you in my life!? All I ever feel is bad about myself and hurt by what you say and yet I still want you to be here. That's stupid. Even stupider is knowing it's stupid and not being able to change the way I feel. I can't turn off my feelings. All I can do is start leaning on God an let you live your life. I can't fix you but God can. And everyday I pray for you that you open your heart to God and let him move in you and turn your life around. Praying is all I am capable of doing anymore. I can't let you suck me dry, I have way to much going on in my life to give one person that much of me, especially someone who doesn't appreciate it. I care about you, probably always will. But today marks the day where this ridiculous hold you have on my heart is broken. I am a better person as a result of everything we've been through and I pray that one day you will be too. But for now you're in my prayers and that's all God is asking of me and that's all I'm willing to give you anymore. No more tears, no more thoughts, just prayers.

❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ WHO CARES, I’M AWESOME! ;D

So dear people that read my blog,

It has been entirely too long. My bad. I have literally had my priorities all outta whack. Much has happened since I last spoke at you in August. I have changed a lot. In a good way((: I am really letting God guide me now. This summer and really up till september I forced Him to take a back seat while I drove the car that is my life. Yeah that really did not work out so good for me. I lost a little bit of myself for a while cause I was trying to so hard to make a certain someone into the person I knew they could be. I have this habit where I see peoples potential and all the good they possess and then I try and help them see it. I like projects because helping people makes me happy. But it also really really hurts me. It sucks when you put a lot of work into someone and they just throw it in your face. Why?? Why would you throw away someone who is only trying to be a light in your life?? August and September were really bad months for me. I lost my best friend to treatment and my boyfriend cause he was an idiot. The two people I spent the most time with and helping this summer and just like that they were gone. My best friend and I are stronger than ever now though and I will never ever doubt our friendship. We have been through a lot together. I will literally always support her and love her and she knows that((: The 'certain someone' I dated however..God brought him back into my life in October, after a month and a half of not one word to each other. I didn't know what God had up His sleeve but I was trusting Him cause that is really the only option I had. Everyone was telling me not to let him back in my life, but I made a choice to give him a chance and see what he had to say. This was his third chance btw. One thing you should know about me is that I do not write people off, its not a three strikes and your out kind of thing with me. I will give people chances right and left, and yes that may seem silly to you but you know what.. I have come to realize that I would never want someone to give up on me or write me off so why would I do that to someone else?? Exactly. So anyways, I met with him and we chatted. It was a good talk. I said everything I had been waiting months to say and he finally was honest. It was good. Here is the deal though. Being friends with an ex is really sticky territory for me. I cared a lot about him and he says he cared a lot about me and to try and make a friendship outta that right now just isn't possible. So basically we are putting distance between us.. for good you ask? I dunno, I gave the whole thing to God. All's I know is that he currently has no idea how to treat me and hasn't the slightest idea what I deserve. I do know what I deserve though. I want to be cared for, not used. I want to be cherished, not an afterthought. I want to be a priority, not an option. I want someone who is going to keep me accountable in my walk with God and who will encourage me and challenge me to do better, to be better. I am sick of being the one who challenges people. I need encouragement too, I need to be challenged and have someone who is looking out for me. Needless to say, this miss will be remaining single until God brings someone into my life that makes me want to be not single.

Well that should catch you up(: I am really happy. Honestly, for the first time since May I am happy beyond belief. I have a great job, I love love love love it. I have an amazing family that mean the world to me. I have really amazing friends that I would be lost without. But most important, I have God. He literally got me through everything that went down the last couple months. I don't even wanna think about where I would be if it weren't for Him. He is my rock, and my safe haven.

Welp folks, this was longish and mushy. You're welcome. But now we are all on the same page which is just grand. I am off to write a paper for my creepy rapist professor. You have a lovely day((:

The Lord is my shield, in whom I take refuge. ~ Psalms 144:2♥

Shut the front door, just like that summer is gone..Not cool.

Well heller there :) So basically it has been forever!!!! An unbelievable amount has happened. Rather than bore you with every detail of my amazing summer I shall just highlight the important stuff(: Such as van jumping. Twas legandary. Late night movie parties. Becoming un-single(:(: <-It ain't so bad. Getting slimed at Vbs. Valleyfair. Star gazing. Each and everyday the past 2 months has been breathtakingly amazing(:

God has really opened my eyes. He had me grow up a bit this summer. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips when it came to my spiritual walk. It took falling on my face to know I wasn't. I put my trust in people and not Him. And when I was let down by the people I thought the world of, He was there with outstretched arms. I will never understand that kind of unconditional love. Cause I certainly did not deserve it. But that is the beauty of being a Christian and having God as a Father. He always has my back no matter what stupid things I do. That is the most comforting thing in all the world. And it is the only thing that gets me through. He has showed me that my ability to trust people so easily is not a bad thing but it is a thing that opens me up for a lot of hurt. I will never give up on people and will always see the best in them. He's showed me that's not a bad thing, not something to be sorry about. But it is very rarely rewarding. People are ruthless and selfish and take advantage of others. We live in a world made up of manipulators. It sucks but that's life, and its not going to change me. If anything it gives me more of a desire to be who I am.

I chose everyday to think positively. That's who I am. Don't like it? Well than good for you, everybody is entitled to think however they want(:

Hey my sister is married(: Now I have two brothers in the law(: YAYAYAYAYA!! It was an amazing wedding. So pretty and a lotta people I love were there(: It was perrrrrfect<3

I shall leave you with this: Sometimes God pushes us to our limits because He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves. I love you and am praying for you(:

Peace out.

Wipe your tears, you are better than this♥

I, Tara Cassandra Yauch, am now a college graduate. That is right, I am an adult. I cannot wait to see what amazingness God has in store for me now. All's I know is I need to get me a job(: A big girl job.

So its been a while. I have been like busier than all get out finishing up school and you know, living life. Been thinking a lot lately. I have found that I get myself into trouble a lot in the heart department. It is so easy to blame the other person but the truth is that I care toooooo much right off the bat and thus the heartache ensues. I see in people what they don't even see in themselves. I believe people won't hurt me and let me down and people just LOVE to prove me wrong. It makes me not want to be out there, putting my heart on the line. But I give people my heart..Its what I do. I love people, genuinely I do. I find it super easy to love someone. I am not reserved or timid when it comes to being open to it. That backfires. A lot. But I am not gonna change that part of me. I know that life isn't perfect and things will not always go my way...But I have faith that someday its gonna pay off(: God knows what He's doing.

My preggers sis is gonna have my niece like early next week. I SO CANNOT WAIT TO MEET HER(: I love babies, and this one will be related to me. I love her already!

Ashley's wedding is in 3 months...YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS(: And I turn 21 in 2 months...Holy poop on rice. That is insane. 21. I made it. I am an adult. I finally get the 21 and older license. I have arrived, LOOK OUT WORLD(:

I am going to Pirates tonight. It is gonna be pretty boss. Johnny Depp....Ohhhhhh my stars for the love of Liza, he is my woman.

Doooooooood life is really good right now...I know I mentioned the whole 'my heart hurts' thing. But honestly that hasn't made me any less happy to be living my life(: I adore everything about being me. I am not trying to sound like cocky. I am just saying, I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything.  I hate when people look at super small problems and let them claim their lives. God claims my life and He wants me to spend it bringing glory to Him. How can I glorify Him when I have a frown on my face!? He gives me way to much to live for to ever let one of the stupid 'problems' the world throws at me affect me in any way. So world hit me with whatever you want but the smile on my face and my happy outlook on life is here to stay. It comes from God so take it up with Him if you have a problem with it(:

Guys I love you. Remember who you belong to and don't do anything I wouldn't do(:

♥

Sometimes I just break out dancing to the song in my head(:

Be a hand that reaches out. Be a smile for those who have no reason to smile. Be a light for those who live in darkness. Show them what it means to truly love, like Christ did for us(:

Today, many moons ago, Jesus rose from the dead after suffering an excruciatingly torturous death. I cannot imagine that kind of love. I deserve death. I deserve to have been up on that cross paying the price for my sin. He showed us the true meaning of love that day. A type of love unachievable by man. Guys it was not nails that held Him to the cross, it was a deep rooted unrivaled love for His dreadful people, aka you and me.

I had such a good time today, remembering all that Christ did and is doing for me. At church we did a silent drama, we acted out the song Above All by Michael W Smith. It was really good, gave me chills whiles performing it. Such a powerful thing, the love of Christ.

I need to share it more, His love, His story. I get so caught up in my life, and my story that God is just an after thought sometimes. But the truth is, He is my life and He has already got my story written. So encouraging, but hard to remember all the time.

I am blessed. Beautiful, supporting family. Amazing friends who are like my second family. And a Lord and Savior that loves me in spite of my humanity, in spite of the fact that I could not be less deserving of any of it. I life my life, I wouldn't trade with anyone in the world. It is far from perfect,  but I don't want perfect. God makes my life beautiful and He shows me the good parts. There are a lot of bad parts, and they far outweigh the good parts...But they don't get my attention. I focus on the good things. My glass is always half full and its never empty. People can try all they want to change me and bring me down but they'll fail. God is my rock, my fortress. You cannot get to me without going through Him and good luck getting through Him(:

Well world, I am gonna go watch some National Treasure with mi padre and mi madre(: Tootles you party animals.


I love you(:

If you're going to make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears.

Crying. Not something I enjoy doing. My eyes get puffy and red. I get that weird throat sniffle thing that makes you sound like you are hyperventilating. Its awful. But at least these tears are over. Tomorrow is a new day filled with possibilities and growth(: I am amazed what clarity a good cry brings.

Honesty has always been my policy. It is kinda a make it or break it thing with me. I deserve the truth and nothing but the truth so help me God. I am pretty much a court of law folks. I have been lied to enough so my lie-dar is pretty spot on. You lie to me and you get a large heaping of my verbal abuse upon you. See if I am willing to tell you the truth than how's bout you put on your big-boy/girl pants and do the same...kapish? Sweet action jackson.

Alrighty than, so basically I graduate college in a month. And well since I know that..I am all slacky migee when it comes to homework and you know actually going to class. It is awful. I remember when I was a goodie two shoes and now I am miss skipalottaclasses shoes. Oh well, I am already super smart so its whatever :P

Well as you know I have decided to get my BA in Business Communications. YAY. But hold the phone I didn't say when. As you all know money does not grow on trees (believe me, I have been searching for a money tree for years) so I have been hypothesizing scenarios in which I take a wee bit of time off from school and work my bum bum off to get a little money cushion so I don't end up with a zillion dollars in school loans that I'll be paying off till I am 150. Who wants that?? Not this guy. I feel like it is the most logical scenario for me. I mean for reals I am only 20 and so why rush my life. All that will do is age me and kill me faster. I want to get a degree, for sure, just not tomorrow. I have to do what God is telling me and last week He brought this scenario to my attention and so now I am just praying about it and WHOLEHEARTEDLY seeking God and His will. The nice thing about running my life this way is that, well all I have to do is pray and listen to Him and dude I am set for life(: It truly is the most beautiful part of life with Christ.

I cannot wait to be an actress you guys. SERIOUSLY. It'll be so neat. Imagine the possibilities. Thinking about it gives me goosebumps and it makes my face smile and my head swim. Lovely(:

You know what word I hate!? If. And maybe. They are so ominous and depressing. I like to use words of permanence. Like absolutely and definitely. And instead of 'if' I use 'when'. My motto is don't use words that don't mean anything substantial. Ya dig!? Word homebro.

Vampire Diaries was on tonight. Damon is an unhealthy obsession of mine. I think I more so love the character Ian Somerhalder is playing rather than Ian himself. Whatever he's a foxxy treat. Honestly its like his eyes pierce into my soul. So pretty and icy blue(: I very much dig his chili.

So I am getting my hair did tomorrow, pound it. Boom. So excited. Right now I am slightly rocking a mullet. Not even though cuz the shag growing atop my head  is not even cool enough to be labelled a mullet. Its outta this world that's for sure(: But yes new hair tomorrow, blondy-blond and finally some bangs. Hizahhhhh(:

Dudes its been smashing but I literally need to go shut my eyes for a good 7ish hours. But I love you and God loves you(:

♥Goodnight moon♥

Yo listen up here's a story about a little guy who lives in a blue world(:

Heyyyyyyyy there(: So its been a while. My bad. I have been so busy you can't even shake a stick at me. Visiting schools, GOING to school, being awesome..Its all so exhausting(: But someone's gotta do it. You know what's weird?? That exhausting has an 'h' in it. Odd word.

Ps guess who graduates in a month...THIS GUY. Nbd. I know I am straight g yo. So I dunno if you have noticed but its like wicked nice out. The sun is shining, the tank is clean...THE TANK IS CLEAN(: Dude and the snow is almost completely, miraculously gone and that makes me feel gitty. SPRING is here, WHOOP.

So I talked to my almost married sister and bro-bro in law tonight, I like them. My preggers sis had a baby shower yesterday and it was AWESOME. There was fruit pizza and diapers, like any good party(:  I think I am going crazy. All my days go by so fast, like I swear yesterday was Sunday. But its like my days are so cramped packed with BUSINESS that I don't even remember whether its Monday or Thursday. Not good. Also I decided to be an angelic daughter and go to a spinning class with mi madre on Tuesday morning. AT 5 FRICKEN O'CLOCK. I imagine getting up that early and exercising is a lot like what hell is gonna be like. It made me wish I was dead. Also I kept falling off the bike because it was like not suiting my proportions and I tried adjusting the bike but to no avail. Oh and get this, everyone was at least 40 and older. OH MY, party animals(: Needless to say no more early morning spinning classes for me.

I really cannot wait to see where God leads me after this summer. I could be in California at this time next year, oh my stars that would be boss. I would also be content staying here. Its whatever God has in store for me not what I WANT in store for me. I've found that when you lean on Him things work out better and actually you know FAVOR you(: He is a pretty, super neat guy. You should get to know Him(:

So dude that stuff in Japan is intense. Poor Japoninians. Praying for them and all the other areas affected.

Oh just in case you didn't already know, Vampire Diaries is on tomo. NBD.

Ugh choir tomorrow. Ugh. Singing in different languages. Ugh.

Well people faces its late and I gotta catch some z's. Its been real. Keep it fresh homebro's. I love you, but God loves you more!

Stay classy girl scout(: